When life gives you lemon's... Paint that sh*t gold!

I was looking over my past few post and I realized how miserable and negative I have been. Really it's sad, because this is how I have been feeling. I have decided that I am done being so down and negative. Nothing can happen or change over night so I mine as well make the best of it. Instead of thinking on my May is 4 months away. I am now going to think, Yes only for more months! I know this isn't going to be easy, but I am done being miserable all the time. It is no fun. I am going to try and entertain my mind and keep myself busy. So I have made a little list of things to kinda trick myself. For example.. I still have 7-10 lbs of baby weight I need to loose. I have made the goal for it to be off by the time we move back. This happened with Layla also. I loose all of it really fast except the last 10 lbs. For some reason it is killer. I hate it. Anyways, this allows me to short of trick myself into wanting more time to loose the weight (even though 10lbs in 4 months is not that hard.) I don't know, makes sense to me. Just kinda hard to explain. haha Anyways on a more positive note.. Last week my baby girl turned 5 years old. It is so hard to believe. 5 years, that is insane!  I swear just yesterday she was my little curly haired, scratchy voice toddler. She is such a smart little girl. She always knows how to make me laugh. When she talks she is so animated. She is defiantly stubborn, and sure knows how to through a fit. But she is my Layla and I love her more than I could ever put in words. All she wanted to do for her Birthday was have everyone watch her ride Chester the horse.. We tried to talk her into something a little more fun, but she wasn't having it. So that is what we did. We bundled up, and we all watched her ride Chester up and down the barn..

After the "Horse Show" we all went inside to warm up, sing and open some gifts. Josh and I ordered the cutest horse cake for her about a week before her Birthday. When we went to pick it up, they didn't have it. Yeah, I was very mad. So we ended up with an off the shelf Strawberry Short Cake cake. It was cute, but didn't really go with the theme. Anyways, she was happy with it and that's all that matters.

It was a small party, but I think Layla enjoyed herself. She got a "Show" shirt, new cowGirl boots, clothes, DVD's, jewelry and she was one happy 5 year old. :)

We haven't had much snow so far this year, but it did snow a few inches this past weekend and Josh and Lay made the most of it.

 They spent a few hours making a little sledding path for Lay. It turned out pretty good, and I even went down a couple times! :) Unfortunately  after two days of perfecting it the rain came and melted it all away. It was fun why it lasted though.... And there was only 1 injury! The sled flipped up and hit Layla in the lip and gave her a nice little split lip. It bled and she cried and was back out there within 5 mins. That's my girl! Ryder enjoyed the snow from indoors. Next year he will be out there with them. Can't wait. Ryder is getting so big. He is still cute as can be. He says "Dada" over and over again. Josh loves it, so do I! He also says "baba", "Nana" and once in awhile he will say "Mama." Stinker. It's fine with me though. I am just stoked he is starting to learn and talk. He also loves to yell. It is actually way cute. I usually yell back. He loves it. He loves loves loves "peak-a-boo" cracks him up every time. He still isn't crawling, but that doesn't mean he isn't mobile. That little stinker will go from one end of the room to the other in seconds. He is into everything, and it breaks his little heart when he can't have something he seems to think he can't live without.. (remote,phone,anything that sissy has) I love just watching him learn and figure things out. I could do it all day.... Oh wait I do! :) Now that the kids share a room he sleeps through the night and I am so thankful for that. He loves to eat! He will gobble down a thing of baby food in minuets! I still get worried about him choking on finger foods, but I am getting better!

Well see I guess life's not so shabby after all. THANKGOODNESS for my sweet babies! 

XXOO

Was that necessary?

I need to vent! So hear it goes.... I am so damn sick of rude people. I just don't understand it... I don't know if some people just don't realize that they are rude and hurting people's feelings, or maybe they just don't care. Either way I have had enough. I am so sick of it bringing me down, and even more sick of just brushing it off. I didn't do anything to you. In fact, I practically kiss your ass! Was that comment necessary? Would it kill you to be happy for me?
I can't say this enough, or put enough emphasis on this. I CAN NOT WAIT TO BE ABLE TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE AGAIN! I feel like each move I make now days is being dictated. That I feel like I can't even be myself. Like every move I make is being watched and judged. It is so annoying, and most of the time hurtful. I find my mind constantly thinking of being back in Utah with Josh and the kids and being able to live how we want. It literally consumes my mind most of the time. It's all I can think about. Trying to figure out ways that we can get there even sooner. I feel like staying here til May might kill me!
I know that living with a little family may not be the easiest thing, in fact I know it has probably been hard. I also know that I have put forth so much time and effort to make it comfortable for EVERYONE! I have been respectful, concerned and helpful. I just wish the same was given back to us. To feel so unwanted in a place and to be stuck there has to be one of the most horrible feelings ever. I can't help but ask myself... "Then why did you want us here so bad?!"
Anyways... I guess all I can say is that in the end I hope that you realize that how you live and treat people is not right!

A place to call home

I feel like I have taken all I can, and these next few months are going to be a huge challenge for me and when I get through them I am going to be a much stronger person. I have never really had this feeling before. This feeling like I don't have a place to call home. Yes, I do have a place to sleep at night. But it is no home. It is a horrible feeling  when you feel like you are not wanted somewhere, but you have no where else to go. I literally feel stuck. Worst of all, I feel like a I deserve a big fail in the Mom department. I know I didn't move here knowing that this situation would be one of the worst I have put myself in, and I know Josh didn't either. I hate this feeling. This helpless feeling. I am the type that when I want something or need something done I do it. I get it done, no matter what. In this situation I am helpless. Unless I could magically make it May, which we all know I can not so I guess I am stuck. I know we could be a lot worse off, and don't get me wrong I am greatful we have a place to stay. It's just too much has been said that can't be taken back, and I can't help but feel unwanted. Like my family and I are a burden. I get up every day telling myself (literally out loud I say this) "Be happy,you are not stuck here forever,think positive,think about Layla and Ryder and be strong for them!"  I am trying to make the best of the next few months and I keep in mind that we are not the only people who are feeling a little uneasy with the current situation. Just when it seems like it will all be ok and the next few months will fly, out comes another comment that brings me back down.  I have tried really hard to not think of this as the biggest mistake we could have made, but I can't help it. I really think it was. I have tried to think of something, anything, that was positive about this and I draw a blank..... All I can say is that I can not wait to get back to SLC. I will never take all the little things I miss for granite ever again. Oh wait, there you go a positive. I will not take all the little things I use to for granite. :) Well and of course the time the kids have gotten to spend with Grandparents. That was a given though. I will be so happy to buy a house, and make it our own. Make it a home for our family. Get back to my "normal" self and our life. Oh, geez. I will be happy when I have happy post again. I am getting sick of all this gloomy,depressing, blah blah.

XXOO

Just not myself...

Lately things seem to be a little dull. I am in this horrible funk. I just can't seem to get out of it. It has been going on for the past few months and I think I finally pin pointed the problem. I am home sick. Very home sick. Once I came to realization with that and we decided to move back home, things have gotten better and slowly, very slowly the funk is starting to fade... Thank goodness. It is so weird to look in the mirror and see yourself, but feel like a stranger inside. I found it to be almost disturbing. I tried and tried for months to come up with reason's why I could possibly feel this way. I became this negative person who was always complaining and bitching about everything. (Not me at all) I had no desire to do anything, and normal day to day "chores" that had never bothered me before turned into a pain and sometimes pushed to the side.. Of course I did what I had to. Layla and Ryder were still taken care of, but I was defiantly not the Mommy I should have been or really am at that. I found myself getting angry over nothing really and absolutely no patience at all. I know Ryder is really to young to notice, but Layla could tell. I noticed me not being happy and myself, made Layla unhappy and not herself. Both are things that I am not ok with. Not to mention I know Josh is feeling the change in me to. I hear things like "Your moody" more than I ever had before. So with the light at the end of the tunnel brightening up knowing that we are moving back home in a few months and the fact that I have now realized that I am basically loosing my mind I have decided that it now stops. That I need to snap out of it and get back to the Maddison I know. The Mommy Layla and Ryder need and the girl that Josh fell in love with. I am always the first one to jump in and give advice to my friends when they are down, and when I hear it coming out of my mouth it sounds so good. So right. Almost common sense. So why is it so hard for me to do it? Why is it always that it is easy to tell someone else what they need to do or what they should do, but when it comes to yourself it is one of the hardest things?... Some days I can't help but feel that us moving here was a mistake. I try not to look at it that way, and I keep trying to find a positive. I know that I will eventually, just can't shake the negativity. Anyways, this post will probably bore anyone besides myself. It was something I felt like I needed to write. Something I needed to almost "Admit" I guess. I am hoping that this will help me get back to myself. I am done being the lazy,boring,emotional,grumpy person I have been the past few months. I am ready to be me again... 

XXOO

I have to admit....

 I am so excited right now...

WE ARE MOVING BACK TO UTAH!

Josh and I have been talking and decided that we really miss UT, and PA just doesn't feel like home to us. We are glad that we gave it a try and so greatful for his family and all the help they have given us, but we just can't shake the feeling that we "belong" in Utah. I don't think I regret moving, it showed me that Utah isn't that bad after all. Not only is all my Family there, all our hobbies are there too. PA is so different. It's almost like (quote from Josh) "we are in a time warp." We thought that maybe after a few months we would get use to it, and it wouldn't be so bad. In our case that didn't happen. Don't get me wrong, we both love the outdoor.... But we love the outdoors, outdoors. Living in the middle of nowhere sounds like heaven to some people and is for others, just not for us. I know Layla is going to miss "The farm life" and that makes me sad, but I think in the end it is best for all of us. Layla misses her Dad a lot and viscera, and I think being away from him has actually been a bad thing... I use to think that having her go back and forth from his house to mine was a bad thing and was bad for her. Now I know that maybe that is because it's "normal" for parents to live together. In Layla's case "normal" for her is that she has two great parents that happen to live in different houses. She has been going back and forth sense she was so little that has become her routine and to her that is stable. Like I said I am glad we tried it, and I hope before we leave we can visit New York and Jersey.. Seems only stupid not to. Being so close and all! :) We are going to do things a little different this time. We now know what it's like to move your family across the country so we know what to expect. We are going to purchase a house from PA before we even get to Utah. So that way we have a home to move into as soon as we get there. We also aren't planning on towing a trailer with our car. We were lucky we made it the first time.. lol We are going to rent a truck and tow our car behind it! We think that Layla will fly back with her Dad and be there for a few days without us. It is going to be a lot of work, and I don't particularly wanna move again, but I have to admit I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET BACK! Just the thought of it makes me all giddy inside! We plan on heading back the first of May. 

I am going to spend the next four months trying to make the best of it here in PA!

XXOO  

A new year, a new place, a new look and better late than never!

Well it 2012. 

Happy New Years!

(I know I'm a little late)

I can not believe how fast this year has gone by. I am assuming it's because 2011 was full of changes, births, moving and so much more.

Last year on the new year Josh, Lay and I slept right through it. I am guessing it's because I was prego and in the "all I wanna do is sleep" phase. This year was just about the same. Josh and I did manage to stay up until midnight, but I have to admit it wasn't easy! haha We literally forced our eyes open, and once the ball hit in Time Square we kissed and practically ran to the bedroom and hit the sack! We did manage to go out to dinner with Josh's little sister Alex and her Boyfriend Ricky before that though. It was nice. It's rare Josh and I get anytime away from the Kiddos, so when and if we do I cherish it! :) We were home by 10pm and got back to our sweet babies. One in bed and the other wide eyed waiting for Mama and Dada to play. I'm sure you can guess which one was up waiting. The 6 month old, 20 pound, adorable, stinker..:) I would have to say that the highlight of 2011 was defiantly having Ryder MB! <3 This little boy brings us so much happiness. He is full of smiles and laughs and just seems to get cuter and cuter! It is hard to believe he will be 7 months old soon. Something even harder to believe is that my baby girl is going to be 5 years old this month. That to me is mind blowing. She is so grown up already it's hard to imagine her growing up more. Layla is doing good. Minus the tiffs! Someone once said "Terrible Two's" sorry but they obviously had not experienced the age of 4 almost 5. This is without a doubt a harder age (with Layla anyways) than 2 or 3. Some days are harder than other, but we are and will work through them... I hope ;)
I haven't really set any New Years resolution this year. Maybe because I am to busy with my kiddos to even think of them, or maybe I am using that as an excuse... Either way none so far. I mean of course I have my normal day to day goal, but to tell the truth I once again use the excuse above for those too. Oh well either way. I am hoping 2012 is amazing and I am going to try and stay positive and make it that way.
Here are some pics of our Holidays!

I hope everyone has a great 2012!
XXOO